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Astik's Diary entry from the movie Pagglait

Movie - Pagglait

Astik's diary entry

21st February 2021

Today was quite a day. I converted a really big client after chasing them for weeks. But the catch of the day was Sandhya. Yes, Sandhya. She gifted me a shirt. Surprised would be an understatement for what I felt. We have been married for almost 4 months now, but I haven't ever gotten her anything. We haven't spoken a lot either. There are days I feel her eyes on me, but I never look back at her. I don't know what would I say.

The first few days after the wedding, I felt lost. I didn't even look at her and most days, I behaved like she didn't exist. I hadn't gotten over Akansha. Well, I still haven't. But back then I felt suffocated. Seeing Akansha every day at work only made it harder to move on.

Eventually, my anxiety subsided. And then guilt took the front seat. I knew I had done injustice to Sandhya. No one deserves to marry a person who might never be able to love them. She is this nice girl, treating my family like her own, keeping track of Amma's medicines, dad's meals, and even helping Alok with his English lessons. I mean she must love this family to put up with Alok's English. And here I was, not even trying to know her.

Well, for the last few weeks I have been trying. Maybe not enough though. On my way back home from work, I think of all these things I would ask her or tell her, but I just can't. Sometimes I just can't find the right words and some other times, she looks lost. I was almost convinced that she has lost all hope. But then, out of nowhere today, she got me this shirt.

To be honest, I didn't like the shirt. It's flowery printed and very loud. But again, I never told her I prefer only plain formal shirts, mostly blue. For a second I was wondering how did she never notice in 4 months that I don't wear such loud clothes. But then it struck me, I have never noticed what color or type of clothes she wears either.

When she handed me the shirt, I think it was the first time I had looked at her for a considerable amount of time. She looks sort of pretty. One of these days I might get her something too and hopefully, words won't lose their way this time.


By Anindita Roy

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